Reflections on a Powerful Conversation About Betrayal at Cypress Church

Today, I had the privilege of attending a service at Cypress Church in Central Ohio, where I witnessed a deeply insightful and transformative conversation about betrayal between guest presenter Jim Cress, a licensed professional counselor who specializes in infidelity and betrayal trauma, and Pastor Ken Murphy. Even if you're not religious, their discussion had so many valuable takeaways that can be applied to our everyday lives and relationships. It was a conversation that dug into the emotional, spiritual, and practical aspects of betrayal, offering a roadmap for those who have been hurt by it and those who have caused it.

As the service wrapped up the "Here to There" series, which focused on life's transitions and personal growth, the conversation moved to a powerful topic that affects us all: betrayal. From friendships to marriages, the impact of betrayal can be profound and long-lasting. Jim began by discussing the various types of betrayal, including the betrayal of a friend, a partner, and even self-betrayal. The discussion expanded beyond just personal relationships, touching on how betrayal can show up in the workplace, in family dynamics, or even within the church community. Yet, the conversation really emphasized the unique pain that comes from betrayal within intimate relationships—those people we trust deeply and who are supposed to be the ones who have our back when the world feels tough.

Jim highlighted a key distinction that I had never considered before—the difference between feeling betrayed and having unexpressed expectations. How often do we set ourselves up for disappointment because we have certain expectations of others but fail to communicate them? Jim pointed out that unexpressed bids—unspoken desires or needs in a relationship—are often at the root of feelings of betrayal. For example, we may expect our partner to act in a certain way or show up for us in a particular manner, but when those expectations are not communicated, it can lead to hurt and resentment. This insight was a game-changer for me because it made me realize how often we hold others accountable for things they may not even know are important to us. Jim's advice to be clear about our needs and boundaries in all relationships, even friendships, was both simple and profound.

Another fascinating point in the discussion was the role of forgiveness in healing after betrayal. Jim made an important distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation, which really resonated with me. Forgiveness, he explained, is an internal process that allows us to release the pain and the debt associated with the betrayal. Reconciliation, however, requires both parties to be willing to repair the relationship. This distinction was crucial because, too often, people believe that forgiving someone means they have to immediately restore the relationship to what it was. Jim emphasized that forgiveness is about freeing ourselves from the weight of the hurt, while reconciliation may take time, effort, and the willingness of both individuals to rebuild trust. He also shared that forgiveness is not a "one and done" process but rather an ongoing journey. The healing process, he said, is much like recovering from a physical injury. For example, after hip surgery, there’s a scar that might still hurt occasionally, but it’s no longer debilitating. Similarly, when we experience betrayal, the wound may heal, but the scar remains. We need to give ourselves the grace to acknowledge and process the hurt as we move forward.

As someone who has experienced betrayal and hurt in various forms, I found Jim’s words deeply inspiring. His insights on how betrayal can trigger old wounds from were especially powerful. It’s easy to forget that our reactions to betrayal as adults may be influenced by unresolved hurts from the past. This conversation encouraged me to reflect not just on the specific betrayals I've experienced, but also on how those experiences have shaped my views on trust, self-worth, and emotional well-being. It was a reminder that sometimes the way we react to betrayal as adults isn’t just about the event at hand but also about how it touches old, unhealed wounds from our past.

What stood out the most to me, however, was the encouragement to take action. Pastor Ken and Jim both urged everyone to think about what steps they could take to move from hurt to healing. Whether it’s having difficult conversations with those we’ve been hurt by, setting clearer boundaries in our relationships, or forgiving ourselves for past mistakes, the key is to not stay stuck in the pain of betrayal. Instead, we’re called to take steps toward healing, forgiveness, and freedom. The conversation made me realize that while betrayal is painful, it doesn't have to define us. We have the power to choose how we respond and how we heal.

One of the most valuable points Jim made was about the importance of acknowledging the wound without letting it control us. He shared a powerful analogy comparing betrayal to a physical injury, such as a hip replacement. When you experience trauma or surgery, there’s a scar left behind. Over time, the pain subsides, but you’re left with a memory of what happened. Similarly, betrayal leaves a scar, and while the pain may lessen, it’s something that stays with you. However, Jim emphasized that just like a physical injury, the emotional scars we carry don’t have to stop us from moving forward. It’s important to recognize the scar, acknowledge the healing process, and continue to live life fully despite the pain.

Pastor Ken also discussed the difficulty of forgiving oneself after betrayal. For those who have betrayed others, the road to self-forgiveness can feel even more challenging. Jim shared his personal experience of overcoming a pornography addiction and the journey of forgiving himself for the betrayal he committed against his wife. This candid moment in the conversation was a powerful reminder that we all have moments of weakness and failure, but those failures do not define us. Jim explained that the first step in healing after we’ve been the betrayer is to acknowledge our wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. He also pointed out that self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing the behavior but rather releasing ourselves from the self-condemnation that keeps us stuck in shame.

As someone who has experienced guilt and self-blame in the past, this part of the conversation resonated deeply with me. Jim’s approach to self-forgiveness—by acknowledging the pain we’ve caused, canceling the debt, and seeking to make amends—felt like a lifeline. He shared a technique for writing down the things we’ve done wrong, acknowledging the impact of those actions, and then mentally and emotionally “canceling” the debt. By doing so, we free ourselves from the shame and guilt that can hold us back from moving forward. This was a powerful reminder that forgiveness, whether for ourselves or others, is a process, not a single event.

If you’ve ever felt the sting of betrayal or struggled with forgiveness, I encourage you to reflect on this conversation and take the next step toward healing in your own life. Just as Pastor Ken reminded us, there’s no hurt or betrayal that God cannot heal and use for good in our lives. The road to healing may not be easy, but it’s one that can lead to greater freedom, peace, and personal growth. It was inspiring to hear Jim and Pastor Ken share not just the wisdom they’ve gained over years of counseling and ministry but also their vulnerability in sharing their own experiences of betrayal and healing.

This discussion at Cypress Church was truly a gift, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to hear these powerful words that reminded me of the importance of forgiveness, communication, and moving through our pain—not just for ourselves but to help others heal as well. The conversation gave me hope that, no matter how deep the betrayal may feel, there is always a path toward healing. And it starts with being honest about the hurt, seeking forgiveness, and taking concrete steps toward restoration, both within ourselves and with others.