Finding Gratitude in the Midst of Chaos: A Thanksgiving Reflection Through the Lens of Grief and Trauma

Thanksgiving is often imagined as a warm, effortless gathering—a day filled with family, laughter, and gratitude. It’s the picture-perfect holiday where everything is supposed to feel full, joyful, and connected. But for many people, including those living with grief, trauma, or complicated family dynamics, Thanksgiving can feel like the opposite. It can feel heavy. Tender. Lonely. Overwhelming. Conflicting.

The truth is this: Thanksgiving can be a beautiful holiday, but it can also be a deeply painful one. And if this season feels difficult for you, you are not failing—it simply means you are human.

As a grief and trauma therapist, and as someone who has walked through my own profound loss, I understand how tender this time of year can be. When I was in elementary school, I lost my mother. Even now, as an adult with a loving spouse and two beautiful young children of my own, I still feel the echo of her absence during the holidays. Every Thanksgiving, there is a moment—sometimes small, sometimes overwhelming—when I feel the truth of her not being here. I see her empty seat. I imagine the conversations we would have had. I notice how I wish she could see her grandchildren laugh, or help me cook, or simply be present in the rhythms of our family traditions.

Grief doesn’t fade just because life moves forward. It grows and changes with us.

And during the holidays, it often resurfaces in new, unexpected ways.

This is why I approach Thanksgiving not as a day that demands gratitude, but as a day that invites us to hold space for all the things we feel—joy, sadness, love, longing, frustration, hope, and yes, gratitude too. Gratitude that doesn’t deny pain, but exists alongside it.

The Holidays Don’t Erase Grief or Trauma

There is a cultural expectation that holidays should magically pull us into cheerfulness. That somehow, grief should quiet, trauma should calm, and we should temporarily suspend our feelings so we can show up “happy” for the day. But this isn’t how emotions work—and it certainly isn’t how healing works.

If you’re grieving, the holidays may intensify your longing.

If you’ve experienced trauma, the holidays may amplify feelings of overwhelm, stress, or emotional dysregulation.

If you're navigating complicated family relationships, old wounds may open or discomfort may rise.

You may experience:

• loneliness, even in a crowded room,

• unexpected sadness or anger,

• a sudden wave of missing someone,

• pressure to “keep it together,”

• memories that feel sharper than usual,

• exhaustion from trying to play a role that doesn’t match your emotional reality.

I know that experience personally. Every Thanksgiving, even in moments of happiness with my children, I still carry the awareness that my mother isn’t here to see these moments. That grief still lives in me—but it shares space with deep gratitude for the life I have now.

Your experience might be similar or different, but the truth remains: the holidays do not erase what you have lived through.

Gratitude Isn’t the Absence of Pain: It Can Be a Companion to It

Many people feel pressured to be grateful during Thanksgiving, even when they’re hurting. But gratitude is not meant to be a performance. It’s not meant to silence your grief or talk over your trauma.

Gratitude—real, healing gratitude—is quieter. Gentler.

Especially for those of us healing.

It might show up as:

• a warm cup of coffee that grounds you,

• a moment of stillness before a busy day,

• a memory of someone you miss that reminds you how deeply you loved,

• your pet curled up next to you,

• the soft laughter of children,

• a friend who checks in,

• the strength you’ve built over the years, even when you didn’t feel strong.

These moments don’t erase the pain.

But they help carry you through it.

For me, gratitude often emerges in the ways my mother’s memory continues to shape who I am today. Her absence is part of my story, but so is the love I continue to feel for her. Even in grief, there is room for gratitude. Even in trauma, there can be moments of meaning.

Finding Meaning in the Messiness

Holidays are often chaotic—emotionally, physically, and relationally. That messiness can feel harder when you’re grieving or managing trauma. But even in the mess, it’s possible to find tiny moments of meaning.

Maybe that meaning is:

• taking a walk outside to breathe,

• allowing yourself to cry in the middle of preparing dinner,

• honoring your loved one with a candle or a favorite recipe,

• setting boundaries with people who feel unsafe or overwhelming,

• choosing rest instead of busyness,

• saying “no” to traditions that feel too heavy this year,

• embracing a new tradition that brings comfort.

Meaning doesn’t have to be big to be powerful.

Sometimes it’s simply acknowledging your emotions without judgment.

And sometimes, meaning is allowing yourself to be fully human—messy, grieving, grateful, exhausted, hopeful, or all of the above.

You Are Allowed to Have a Complicated Thanksgiving

Your relationship with Thanksgiving does not have to be simple.

You do not need to force positivity or hide your pain.

And you certainly do not need to “get over” anything for the sake of a holiday.

You are allowed to feel the full spectrum of emotions:

• grief for who or what you lost,

• gratitude for what remains,

• anger for what hurt you,

• love for what shaped you,

• longing for what you wish could be different.

If Thanksgiving feels complicated, that does not make you ungrateful—it makes you human.

A Gentle Call to Reach Out for Support

If this Thanksgiving season brings up more heaviness than hope, or if grief, trauma, or family stress feel overwhelming, please know that you do not have to face it alone.

At Teal Saguaro Wellness, I walk alongside individuals who are navigating life’s deepest emotional wounds—especially during the holidays, when those wounds often feel more pronounced.

If you or someone you love needs support, please reach out.

You deserve care, comfort, and a safe place to process your feelings during this tender time.

📞 Teal Saguaro Wellness: 614-647-HELP

🌐 For emergency mental health resources:

https://www.tealsaguaro.com/get-help

You are not alone—your feelings matter, your grief is valid, and your healing is worth tending to this Thanksgiving and beyond.